I may be losing my self-control. Not in any major way (yet), but in a more subtle manner. Every visual stimulus, even mediocre a one like Rachel Ray on the TV in front of my bike at the gym this morning, elicits a massive surge in energy in me and all its subsequent responses before my consciousness really knows what's going on. I imagine I'm giving off that sexually frustrated, average-guy vibe now.
So be it.
The incense isle at Whole Foods hit me by surprise today. I know now why girls love that stuff.
It's a perceivable energy that arises every so often... more and more often... and then subsides. Napolean Hill of Think and Grow Rich and Tantra teach to channel the energy: the former towards life goals and the latter towards spiritual enlightenment. It's difficult to do either.
I need a good night's sleep.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently: what it means to have integrity. It's commonly considered to be a desirable quality in a man, but it's not... by itself. It doesn't exist in a vacuum.
Implied with the trait is a set of values or principals. A man must decide upon, consciously or unconsciously, a set of beliefs, a perspective, a view of the world that his mind will ultimately determine to be reality and then place him, or rather his concept of identity, in it. In other words, his mind builds a model based on his belief system of how the outside world is, something like The Sims. A belief can be anything from the mundane, like "on my next step, the pavement will not crack one into a bottomless abyss" (largely an unconscious belief), to the profound, like "the highest form of all human activity is the creation of a connection between two people."
For the purposes of my note, it really doesn't matter what beliefs and values the man has as long as he has them. They differ greatly from man to man, and many men walk around with contradicting beliefs. There are some that are greatly beneficial to humanity, and others that are tearing the world apart. That's a debate for another time.
Integrity is a quality of the man who defends his beliefs, whatever they may be. The world is such that they will be tested (girls, especially, seem to push them). Where his beliefs and values are the line drawn in the sand, a man's integrity is the decision not to retreat from it or surrender that boundary under pressure. It is the uncompromising choice to surrender safety, security, or life itself to ensure the survival of something greater.
I usually find it's expression is far less dramatic terms. For instance, when I decide, "I'm not going to buy a girl's attention (with a drink or dinner)," I'm not going to cave to a girl in low-cut jeans and a tank top whose says, "I'm thirsty," right after meeting me. Generally, the shear cunning a girl employs in most tests impress the hell out of me and still trips me up from time to time. I find myself, though, as I did not expect, desiring a greater challenge; not an adventure but to battle in good vs. evil, to immerse myself in our spiritual war.
And then I remember it's just my model. A spiritual war I might perceive is an internal one...
So I made a vow. If you've seen 40 Days and 40 Nights, you know what kind of vow I'm talking about.
Day 5
Work outs just make it worse now.
