An Interesting Interaction

I'm sitting in Panera here, working on a lecture for my class and people watching everyone walking in and out the door. A decently attractive brunette sits down at the table across from me, facing me and staring at me with a smile. Usually, once I notice the chick, she'll submisively look away as if she shouldn't be staring at some hott guy (a huge turn off for me), but this one didn't. She kept her eye contact as my furrowed brow met her gaze. I stared back at her trying to make her look away, and I counted in my head while she enjoyed a bread sample, "1... 2... 3..."

Me:	What's up.
Her:	(With bread in her mouth) Hi.
Me:	Do you always talk with food in your mouth?
Her:	(Taking another bite) What?
Me:	(Smiling) hmm.
Her:	(Trying to swallow, covering her mouth) I'm going to need a minute.
Me:	k
Her friend walks in at this point and sits right between us.
Her:	I'm talking to this guy!
Me:	Oh, you're both rude. I see.

At this point, she didn't attempt to continue the conversation; so I went back to my work. I really am just that indifferent. They later got up and left fairly quickly without even providing me the opportunity to ask for her number, which I was expecting them to do. It wasn't until she was half way out the door that she turned back with that half sad look on her face to see me the sly half of a grin spreading across my cheek. When her friend caught up to her, they continued out the door. That's too bad for her.

I've been smiling for the last few minutes about the extra bite she took while talking to me. I don't know many girls who have that kind of playful confidence...

The Sewer

The city is cleaning out the sewer outside my building today. It's disgusting. There's a cloud of shit-smelling fowlness outside of which I'll spare you a description. I assume it's necessary, though, to prevent a nastier clog from backing up into the street (eww). So vacuum away, guys.

I've been on my self-improvement project for about a year and half now. In reality, my entire life has been, is, and will continue to be a self-improvement project and personal journey, but it was only recently that I started figuring out that I can honestly and truthfully act, do, and be whatever I want. Moreover, my life had been a certain experience, a situation in which I developed, and, in true human form, I adapted to my situation to gain as much benefit and avoid as much pain as possible. I unknowingly took the perspective that I had to accept whatever the world gave me and however people treated me, failing to realize that I, in fact, had any power to affect my environment... the unfortunate affect of overbearing parents.

The last year and a half has shown me that my adaptation also partly involves a reaction of my environment to me; so much so that it almost entirely depends upon me. I can develop the strength to take whatever the world throws my way, I can develop the confidence to go after anything I want and effortlessly roll with change, I can make choices to include or exclude aspects of my environment, and I can acquire the wisdom to know what all that should be. I have so much influence that I can make my environment whatever I need it to be.

The difficulty is fear, doubt, anger, disbelief, and poor decision making. These used to be clogging up my mind, and some are still stuck in there: fear of approaching a girl, believing she didn't want to be approached, doubting that I'm worth her attention, deciding to stay in on a Saturday night. All thoughts that would run through my head and more or less control my life. It's been my own sewer clogged with shit. And like the people traversing the sidewalk outside my building, I went about my business not knowing a whole mess of crap was clogging up the works on a much deeper level and only visible when it would back up to the surface or remenants of its smell would fill the air of my enviroment.

I want to say that I've cleaned out my psyche, that I'm actualized, but that's not yet entirely the case. Fear still rises in certain situations, anger and sadness happen from time to time, and I decide to take on more projects than I should. Consciousness of it, though, is what got me this far. It'll eventually get me where I want to be as this blog will one day reflect.

Religion

During a bible study in which I participate every so often with some other grad students, one of them brought my attention to the following passage:

You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But now I tell you: whoever looks at a woman and lusts after her is guilty of committing adultery with her in his heart.

--Matthew 5:27-29

I've heard the passage before, but my mind took particular notice of it this time and has been wrestling with it ever since. Does this only apply to a married man? Why is it necessarily wrong?

My Personal Experience, girls love a sexually aware guy. Its essential. To be even considered has boyfriend material (if that's what I wanted it), the girl still has to be sexually interested. Furthermore, her interest is entirely subconscious; for the most part, she can't explain it and can't control it. I've asked... she just FEELS it. It's an elegant system, really. Her attraction responds to social cues and a certain communication pattern that demonstrate the guy is strong, confident, dominant, and in control of himself.

Instead, should I be ashamed of this, be all anxious and afraid of a girl who I want to talk to because I think she's hott. It's a sin, right? Would then acting on that feeling also be wrong?

If the attraction needs to happen first and it's adulterous sin to feel attraction, the process of initiating a relationship, of making any girl feel attraction, is also adulterous, which then begs the question, "what's the non-adulterous way to start an interaction?"

While I'm always conscious of the possibility that I could be using my reason against the truth and that humans can find a reason to backup whatever they want to be true, all I know is that this process--making a girl laugh, smile, playfully hit me, get that look in her eye, all with my confidence, poise, and control of the situation--has brought me to feeling closer to God than anything I've done up to this point in my life. It's an intoxicating rush to get that fun, vibrant, sexually charged interaction going with a woman, and it definitely seems to be more interesting for her.