My Facebook news feed has been full of reactions to the recent shooting in Santa Barbara, CA. The kid, Elliot Rogers, was exacting his revenge on girls who "left him to rot in loneliness," which really isn't any different from other school shooters, except that this kid documented and articulated his (self-)isolation and the logic his mind concocted to deal with it.
It was this digital trail he left behind that sparked the reactions in my news feed. I'm not going to re-post or paraphrase the kid's misogynistic mental contortions, but they ignited first a feminist response followed by a, I guess you might say, masculinist one. It was somewhat surprising how quickly the conversation started talking past the kid and his troubles yet using his content to support the deep, and long standing rhetoric between the sexes.
I have to admit that the first blog posts and news-y articles I came across were so poorly argued that I had the knee-jerk, polarized reaction to them. One concluded that he felt entitled to women's bodies. Others were better and ultimately led me to the #YesAllWomen tweets. They were nothing I didn't already know and support, but, at the same time, they altogether showed me the perspective from which these arguments arise, and for that I'm... grateful.
What I saw in all those stories, though, and what I want to discuss is the pain behind it all... on both sides... because we have to have sides, I guess. And I need to be careful with my words, so I want to approach this slowly.
First, the hypocrisies and double standards are, without question, wrong. That rapists don't often face punishment, that girls have to "cover up," that they have to guard their drink, that a "no" is not respected, that there's a glass ceiling, and that teaching self-defense is somehow preferred to teaching self-control ...all make me weep for humanity. And if we unpack the unequal pay statistic, I could probably get behind parts of it, too. But those are the easy ones.
The more difficult one is summed up by the Louis C.K. bit making its way around that woman having to date men is like men having to date a half bear, half lion. It's extremely dangerous but necessary for the species. And that's the perspective with which I now empathize. From there, I see how every advance, every cat-call, every unsympathetic authority figure, all the stalking, the Internet in general, or even eye contact is a threat. It's frightening. And I can only imagine what's needed to persist through that reality on a daily basis.
As I read some of these stories, though, I also sympathize with the fear and pain some of these boys (I do mean boys) probably felt as a result of their own embarrassing actions, and that seems to be lost on girls given that they recount these stories in this context, which is understandable. I'd be hard-pressed to consider the vulnerabilities of a half-bear, half-lion, too. Yet it's this misunderstanding that I want to focus on.
To be clear, as I hope the discussion so far as demonstrated, I am carving out and focusing on a fraction of these stories, specifically ones that follow a particular pattern where a guy makes some stupid move, grope, or advance, gets rejected, and then acts out in response. I know this scenario butts up against rape and force, but I'm carving a line between the two because I see some distance between fools and criminals. And I only want to talk about the fools. I know women can't tell the difference in the moment, so that erring on the side of caution is warranted and justified. I need, however, a little slack between them in this discussion.
One of the hypocrisies mentioned is a general assumption that "boys will be boys," so that the burden is all on girls to accommodate whatever boys will do, which is bullshit. We do need to teach boys to control themselves better, but what's missed is an education in charm or in the mating ritual. No structure has been given as to what to do instead... or rather who a boy should aspire to be instead.
I, for one, actually got the "control yourself" message when I was young. Probably like a lot of guys and all of these boys, I grew up with it. Though, it actually came across as "be ashamed of your attraction to girls" and "wait for girls to give you a green light," which are less nuanced directives. It's an important difference. That the first idea induces shame drives a fear of our own attraction to women, and that fear clouds attempts to flirt, charm, or converse; it saps guys of their confidence; and buries their emotions and desires, which have to work their way out in crazier ways. Couple that with a lack of any knowledge about women, how to approach them, how to make small talk, how to flirt, and the results are these creepy, tentative attempts at a move, stalking, or other quiet obsessions. The second idea is problematic in only so much that many guys receive it, as I did, as "you don't have permission to flirt with her unless she gives you the go ahead." In other words, it gets applied to even the first moment he sees a girl and wants to approach her, not the kiss good night. It's further compounded when you heap on some shame, too. And there are these really geeky guys growing up all waiting for some sign from a girl that it's okay to move forward that never comes. They're accommodating what they think their mom's are telling them in a way that makes the most emotional sense to them.
Moreover, they don't even ping girls' romantic radar until some creepy event happens, so that the set of guys and experiences that girls reason about include all the guys I'm not discussing here, these creepy events, and the ones they'd wish would talk to them. So that this group feels ignored or marginalized, quintessentially living in quiet desperation.
(I'm not, however, trying to justify a leap from isolated desperation to criminal actions. If higher brain functions don't kick in... wtf.)
It was really hard to grow out of that (not even sure if I'll ever get all the way out). Most boys never do.
The interesting dynamic is how both sides feed each other's fears. The insecure, creepy behavior fuels mistrust and sparks fears of possible force, rape, and death. Girls retreat from ever showing any interest. And guys get more isolated, more desperate. Both sides retreat to their corners and talk past each other from their safe spaces. It's disheartening.
Anyone willing to meet me in the middle?
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