I never said that I would end this at 40 days; so I'm going to keep going inasmuch as it won't end on my own accord. While I won't feel bad if it ends from this point on, I'm committed to continuing.
So, I'm now accepting applications for the ender, by which of course I mean..... bring.... it... on!! Break my will power if you can. No one has got me thus far.
I've had a bit of a breakthrough; though, I may not be completely able to credit this. It came mostly from reading The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle. It's difficult to describe, but imagine the voice in your head; pay attention to it. The fact that you are able to "hear" that voice implies there is something speaking in your head and something listening... two separate entities. The speaker is your mind trying to control you, the listener is actually you.
The realization then followed that I am not my mind. I am, instead, the passive observer of my mind, of the constant stream of thoughts it sends my way, most of which is bullshit I don't need to think or feel. And I suddenly became aware of something behind it. It happens for moments at a time, but I witness I deep, flowing sense of calm. I can't describe it.
I now have a wider perspective on my internal state... when I can focus on it. For any amount of it that my mind now throws at me, desire, thoughts, emotions, and energy can just flow out into an ocean of... nothingness.
Crazy. I know.
But profound.
A small professional victory today has floored me. I conquered an aspect of my work world, and now I desire to conquer a girl. I've read about the relationship between the two but am just now feeling a magnified effect of it. The goal is now channel this surge of energy into my next endeavor.
I ask, though, why I need the external event to trigger this. I would much rather desire the self-control beyond any external stimulus or situation. And more than that, I feel I should be in this state all the time regardless of my external situation. This drive and determination should be we with me always, and this is all about achieving that...
